Notes of a Generic Old Man #39: Why did the egret cross the road?

On a recent drive into a wildlife refuge, I was stopped by an egret doing road patrol. While waiting for the bird to move on, I pondered this time-honored question: Why did the egret cross the road?

Egret
Colusa (California) National Wildlife Reguge
February 6, 2012

Sigmund Freud : The egret is female and interpreted a tree as a phallic symbol of which she was envious.

Buddha : If you ask this question, you deny your own egret-nature.

Charles Darwin: It was the logical next move after stepping up onto the pavement.

Timothy Leary: It was an acid trip, man. Acid.

George Armstrong Custer: To charge ahead and take no prisoners.

Dr. Phil: You gotta move on. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, you gotta move on from there.

George W. Bush: The egret is a decider. Just like when I was president, I was the decider. I decided what’s best. That’s what the egret did. It decided to cross the road.

Barack Obama: To keep walking and make progress.

Mitt Romney: Because it didn’t care about the very poor, and they were seeking revenge.

Rush Limbaugh: If the egret can't adapt to the superiority of humans, screw it. Now, I know that sounded heartless. But my argument follows simple, pure logic. If an egret can't adapt, does the earth really need that particular species so much that hardship to human beings is worth enduring in the process of saving it? Thousands of species that roamed the earth are now extinct. Do you hear anyone making the case that the earth would be better off if dinosaurs were still roaming the planet? Why, we could even survive without any egrets. So let it cross the road and see what happens. See what the liberal media has to say about it. The do-gooders. The namby-pamby wimps who blah blah blah blah.....

Miss Piggy: Moi? Don’t ask me. I am a pig, and as a pig, I have always stood out. The tiresome seeking of answers to pointless questions means nothing to me.

Dorothy Gale: It didn’t cross the road. It was trying to get off the road because it had heard that this was the road to Oz and it wanted to go back to Kansas.

Jean-Paul Sartre: To define its existence.

Mark Zuckerberg: The egret wanted to come up with something to write about on Facebook.

John Wayne: An egret does what an egret’s gotta do.

Alois Alzheimer: I forget

Captain James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no egret has gone before.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

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Notes of Generic Old Man #38: How to Label Facebook Friends

Whether or not you are on Facebook, you need to think about this.

Some time ago, BFFB (Before Facebook), I thought I knew what a friend was. In those days, I compartmentalized people as being acquaintances, friends, or relatives. That’s not a pecking order but just the alphabetically arranged way I categorized people. As for enemies, I didn’t want to think about having any. In short, the people in my life were nicely, if simplistically, sorted out.

But along came Facebook, which encourages me to have friends, lots of friends, the more the better. A relative could be a friend. Someone I hadn’t spoke to in years could be a friend. A person I didn’t even know could be a friend. One Facebooker’s (Facebookie’s?) page I saw listed 626 friends. I don’t know if in my entire lifetime I’ve even met 626 people let alone befriended them.

With Facebook friendship so wide open, so non-discriminating, we ought to have a way of categorizing friends, of bringing order where none now exists.

I suggest two methods. The first labels the degree of friendship. The second shows the length of friendship.


Degree of Friendship

In ordinary conversation, we refer to friends as best friends, old friends, good friends, and otherwise. To save space on Facebook, such labels can be abbreviated, thusly:

best friend BF
old friend OF
good friend GF
fair-weather friend FWF
true-blue friend TBF
friend who is a relative RELF
friend with benefits SEXF

The abbreviation is placed after the name, as in Huey Fassbender GF

At least one similar abbreviation is already in use: BFF, which according to several Web sites stands for “Best Friend Forever.”

But BFF could also mean “Best Female Friend,” except that several more Web sites say that thought should be written as “Female Best Friend.” or “FBF.”


Length of Friendship


Numerals are used to show length of friendship.

Thus a friend who has passed through beta, the first year, is awarded 1.0 after his name. After two years, the designation is 2.0. The intervening 12 months are not enumerated.

In addition, numerals can be used to indicate the performance of a noteworthy gesture of friendship. As an example, suppose a person in the fourth year of friendship jump starts your car on a wintry morning; you could identify that person as a 4.1. Had he done nothing, he would still be a 4.0, but the added .1 shows the extra bit of sacrifice that the friend made. Of course, as the year progresses, other beyond-the-call-of-duty efforts become 4.2, 4.3, 4.4, and so on.


Combining Terms

Combinations of terms help further identify friends.

Thus a good friend of three years’ standing who takes you out for dinner on your birthday could see GF 3.1 after her name. An old friend of forty years’ standing who brings you hot chicken soup when you have a cold would be an OF 40.1. More trips with soup earn designations of 40.2, 40.3, etc.

As always, the designation is placed after the name.

Discretion is necessary. Suppose a friend who is a relative is also a friend with benefits. It happens. In that case it would be unwise to place on your Facebook page that So-and-so is a RELFSEXF. Until Facebook develops an incest filter, it’d be best to keep dirty linen on the shelf.


So, there you have it: Another simple solution to a complex problem.

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Notes of a Generic Old Man #37: Coming up, All Shoppers' Day and Other Holiday Reminders

Next Friday, November 26, the day after Thanksgiving, marks the start of the Low Holy Days leading up to Christmas. This coming Friday, popularly called Black Friday, is shown on the newly revised liturgical calendar as All Shoppers’ Day. The day formerly called Christmas now marks the Assumption of the Blessed Consumer. During the period beginning with All Shoppers’ Day and ending with the Assumption of the Blessed Consumer, a star shines brightly over the mall. Shoppers are watched over by their patron saint, St. Splurge, as they attend their devotions to the God of Stuff.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #36: Zucchini

Let's hear it for the zucchini.  It's easy to grow, can be sliced and diced, eaten raw, and cooked any way possible--fried, boiled, broiled, baked, steamed, stuffed, barbecued, incorporated into a cake mix, whipped into cookie dough, and on and on.  It's gentle taste should upset no one and can be completely disguised with simple spices.  And it's low in calories and high in nutritional value.

It is truly the all-purpose veggie, although, botanically it's a fruit, thus fulfilling two roles and increasing its usefulness.

Still, some people discriminate against the zucchini, perhaps because of its color or its foreign-sounding name. 

So, let us rally around the zucchini and declare ourselves members of Friends of the Zucchini (FOTZ).

Notes of a Generic Old Man #35: Pants on the Ground by Default

We’ve all seen this sight–a teen-aged boy or young man hitching his pants down to reveal the optimal amount of waistline, underwear, and butt cleavage. What he doesn’t know is that if he just waits a few years, gravity, diet, and male genetics will expand his waistline and drop his gut, forcing his belt down, putting his pants on the ground, by default. So much about life is easy if you just have a little patience.

Lazy Days

In the good ole summertime, the Blog languishes while the Generic Old Man lazes.

A Tough Month for This Vintage Human

It's been a tough month.  First LeBron James.  Then Lindsay Lohan.  The media have dished out more celebrity overload than this Vintage Human can take.

Today's Obscure Pun

As the overweight whale said:  "Stop me before I krill more."

Number One Grandson Defines Field Trip, Vacation

For the edification of anyone about to travel with teenagers, our Number One Grandson, Mitch, has explained the difference between a field trip and a vacation.  "A vacation is when you don't meet relatives or go places where you learn things, like museums; otherwise, it's just a field trip."

Notes of a Generic Old Man #34: Arthritic Amnesia

Now here’s an ailment that every old person wants–arthritic amnesia. When you have it and something hurts, you forget about it.