Notes of a Generic Old Man

Notes of a Generic Old Man #39: Why did the egret cross the road?

2012-02-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

On a recent drive into a wildlife refuge, I was stopped by an egret doing road patrol. While waiting for the bird to move on, I pondered this time-honored question: Why did the egret cross the road?

Egret
Colusa (California) National Wildlife Reguge
February 6, 2012

Sigmund Freud : The egret is female and interpreted a tree as a phallic symbol of which she was envious.

Buddha : If you ask this question, you deny your own egret-nature.

Charles Darwin: It was the logical next move after stepping up onto the pavement.

Timothy Leary: It was an acid trip, man. Acid.

George Armstrong Custer: To charge ahead and take no prisoners.

Dr. Phil: You gotta move on. It doesn’t matter what happened in the past, you gotta move on from there.

George W. Bush: The egret is a decider. Just like when I was president, I was the decider. I decided what’s best. That’s what the egret did. It decided to cross the road.

Barack Obama: To keep walking and make progress.

Mitt Romney: Because it didn’t care about the very poor, and they were seeking revenge.

Rush Limbaugh: If the egret can't adapt to the superiority of humans, screw it. Now, I know that sounded heartless. But my argument follows simple, pure logic. If an egret can't adapt, does the earth really need that particular species so much that hardship to human beings is worth enduring in the process of saving it? Thousands of species that roamed the earth are now extinct. Do you hear anyone making the case that the earth would be better off if dinosaurs were still roaming the planet? Why, we could even survive without any egrets. So let it cross the road and see what happens. See what the liberal media has to say about it. The do-gooders. The namby-pamby wimps who blah blah blah blah.....

Miss Piggy: Moi? Don’t ask me. I am a pig, and as a pig, I have always stood out. The tiresome seeking of answers to pointless questions means nothing to me.

Dorothy Gale: It didn’t cross the road. It was trying to get off the road because it had heard that this was the road to Oz and it wanted to go back to Kansas.

Jean-Paul Sartre: To define its existence.

Mark Zuckerberg: The egret wanted to come up with something to write about on Facebook.

John Wayne: An egret does what an egret’s gotta do.

Alois Alzheimer: I forget

Captain James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no egret has gone before.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

***

Notes of Generic Old Man #38: How to Label Facebook Friends

2011-02-27T15:26:00.000-08:00

Whether or not you are on Facebook, you need to think about this.

Some time ago, BFFB (Before Facebook), I thought I knew what a friend was. In those days, I compartmentalized people as being acquaintances, friends, or relatives. That’s not a pecking order but just the alphabetically arranged way I categorized people. As for enemies, I didn’t want to think about having any. In short, the people in my life were nicely, if simplistically, sorted out.

But along came Facebook, which encourages me to have friends, lots of friends, the more the better. A relative could be a friend. Someone I hadn’t spoke to in years could be a friend. A person I didn’t even know could be a friend. One Facebooker’s (Facebookie’s?) page I saw listed 626 friends. I don’t know if in my entire lifetime I’ve even met 626 people let alone befriended them.

With Facebook friendship so wide open, so non-discriminating, we ought to have a way of categorizing friends, of bringing order where none now exists.

I suggest two methods. The first labels the degree of friendship. The second shows the length of friendship.

Degree of Friendship

In ordinary conversation, we refer to friends as best friends, old friends, good friends, and otherwise. To save space on Facebook, such labels can be abbreviated, thusly:

best friend BF
old friend OF
good friend GF
fair-weather friend FWF
true-blue friend TBF
friend who is a relative RELF
friend with benefits SEXF

The abbreviation is placed after the name, as in Huey Fassbender GF

At least one similar abbreviation is already in use: BFF, which according to several Web sites stands for “Best Friend Forever.”

But BFF could also mean “Best Female Friend,” except that several more Web sites say that thought should be written as “Female Best Friend.” or “FBF.”

Length of Friendship

Numerals are used to show length of friendship.

Thus a friend who has passed through beta, the first year, is awarded 1.0 after his name. After two years, the designation is 2.0. The intervening 12 months are not enumerated.

In addition, numerals can be used to indicate the performance of a noteworthy gesture of friendship. As an example, suppose a person in the fourth year of friendship jump starts your car on a wintry morning; you could identify that person as a 4.1. Had he done nothing, he would still be a 4.0, but the added .1 shows the extra bit of sacrifice that the friend made. Of course, as the year progresses, other beyond-the-call-of-duty efforts become 4.2, 4.3, 4.4, and so on.

Combining Terms

Combinations of terms help further identify friends.

Thus a good friend of three years’ standing who takes you out for dinner on your birthday could see GF 3.1 after her name. An old friend of forty years’ standing who brings you hot chicken soup when you have a cold would be an OF 40.1. More trips with soup earn designations of 40.2, 40.3, etc.

As always, the designation is placed after the name.

Discretion is necessary. Suppose a friend who is a relative is also a friend with benefits. It happens. In that case it would be unwise to place on your Facebook page that So-and-so is a RELFSEXF. Until Facebook develops an incest filter, it’d be best to keep dirty linen on the shelf.

So, there you have it: Another simple solution to a complex problem.

***

Notes of a Generic Old Man #37: Coming up, All Shoppers' Day and Other Holiday Reminders

2010-11-21T14:33:00.000-08:00

Next Friday, November 26, the day after Thanksgiving, marks the start of the Low Holy Days leading up to Christmas. This coming Friday, popularly called Black Friday, is shown on the newly revised liturgical calendar as All Shoppers’ Day. The day formerly called Christmas now marks the Assumption of the Blessed Consumer. During the period beginning with All Shoppers’ Day and ending with the Assumption of the Blessed Consumer, a star shines brightly over the mall. Shoppers are watched over by their patron saint, St. Splurge, as they attend their devotions to the God of Stuff.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #36: Zucchini

2010-10-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

Let's hear it for the zucchini. It's easy to grow, can be sliced and diced, eaten raw, and cooked any way possible--fried, boiled, broiled, baked, steamed, stuffed, barbecued, incorporated into a cake mix, whipped into cookie dough, and on and on. It's gentle taste should upset no one and can be completely disguised with simple spices. And it's low in calories and high in nutritional value.

It is truly the all-purpose veggie, although, botanically it's a fruit, thus fulfilling two roles and increasing its usefulness.

Still, some people discriminate against the zucchini, perhaps because of its color or its foreign-sounding name.

So, let us rally around the zucchini and declare ourselves members of Friends of the Zucchini (FOTZ).

Notes of a Generic Old Man #35: Pants on the Ground by Default

2010-09-09T15:40:00.000-07:00

We’ve all seen this sight–a teen-aged boy or young man hitching his pants down to reveal the optimal amount of waistline, underwear, and butt cleavage. What he doesn’t know is that if he just waits a few years, gravity, diet, and male genetics will expand his waistline and drop his gut, forcing his belt down, putting his pants on the ground, by default. So much about life is easy if you just have a little patience.

Lazy Days

2010-08-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

In the good ole summertime, the Blog languishes while the Generic Old Man lazes.

A Tough Month for This Vintage Human

2010-07-24T10:36:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough month. First LeBron James. Then Lindsay Lohan. The media have dished out more celebrity overload than this Vintage Human can take.

Today's Obscure Pun

2010-07-05T09:00:00.000-07:00

As the overweight whale said: "Stop me before I krill more."

Number One Grandson Defines Field Trip, Vacation

2010-04-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

For the edification of anyone about to travel with teenagers, our Number One Grandson, Mitch, has explained the difference between a field trip and a vacation. "A vacation is when you don't meet relatives or go places where you learn things, like museums; otherwise, it's just a field trip."

Notes of a Generic Old Man #34: Arthritic Amnesia

2010-04-09T14:54:00.000-07:00

Now here’s an ailment that every old person wants–arthritic amnesia. When you have it and something hurts, you forget about it.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #33: Health Care Reform–Political Wind

2010-03-22T14:16:00.000-07:00

The winds of health-care reform have blown through, successfully to be sure, but as a demonstration of pure wind.

Democrats had to vote for it all along or face losing reelection bids next time around. Okay, some of them voted against the bill; they’ll answer to voters in times to come. Regardless, the Dems earned gold stars for a year-long demonstration of excellence in the parts of speech known as whining, waffling, and quibbling.

And Republicans got a health care law they want. It put millions of new customers into the health-care market and will further enrich the already privileged class that operates the pharmaceutical companies and the medical insurers. The GOP cleverly had it both ways. They got a market-oriented law that they supposedly opposed by screaming long and loud against government intrusion--melodrama that’ll keep the party faithful happy.

George Orwell put it best: “Political language . . . is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind”–“Politics and the English Language” (1946).

Notes of a Generic Old Man #32: Homo sapiens impedimentum

2010-03-05T08:54:00.000-08:00

The Homo sapiens impedimentum is the most recently developed form of hominid. It is clearly a bipedal primate with many features and characteristics of Homo sapiens in general, and can be considered a lesser subspecies of Homo sapiens.

It is distinguished by its ability to retrieve from pocket or purse a gadget that it deftly flips open to look at pictures, stock market quotes, or other vital data–all the while standing absolutely still, blocking a busy sidewalk or doorway. Quite often one sees two or more impedimenta clustered together chattering about, one presumes, their respective gadgets and the data displayed thereon.

In crude language,the Homo sapiens impedimentum is known as a pimple on the ass of progress.

The Homo sapiens impedimentum continues the evolutionary process that makes one wonder where the phrase intelligent design came from.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #31: Fewer Teenagers?

2010-02-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

Fewer teenagers are being born these days, according to this headline: “Teen birth rate falls to new low in California,” The Sacramento Bee (February 23, 2010, online edition).

Notes of a Generic Old Man #30: Archaeological Dig Redefined

2010-02-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

When people get to a certain age and have lived in the same house for decades, they’ve accumulated so much stuff that housecleaning is no longer called that but is instead an archaeological dig.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #29: The Relativity Theory of Aging

2010-01-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

For some reason, my grandchildren seem to be growing up so much faster than my children did.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #28: How Not to Write a Headline

2009-12-25T14:58:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas, from the How Not to Write a Headline School: "Woman knocks down pope at Mass; Christmas celebrations begin"–CNN International, December 25, 2009.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #27: Unwatched Pot

2009-11-24T13:58:00.000-08:00

While it somehow might be true that a watched pot never boils, it is definitely a given that an unwatched pot will boil over as soon as you leave the room.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #26: Paperwork

2009-11-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

My wife and I bought a new car a couple of days ago. While the transaction was being completed, I couldn’t help but notice all the forms that had to be filled out: forms for the dealer, for the state, for the federal gummint; forms having to do with insurance, release of liability, acceptance of responsibility, promises to pay. The result is this

You can’t drive out of the dealership until the weight

of the paperwork equals the weight of the car.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #25: Motel Alarm Clocks

2009-07-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

Beware of motel room alarm clocks: The last person who used the motel room that you’re about to check into probably set the clock radio’s alarm for a time far earlier than you want to wake up.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #23: The Incredible Growing Old Man

2009-05-17T13:16:00.000-07:00

They say as you grow older you shrink. I don't know about that. The older I get, the harder it is for me to reach my feet to put my shoes on, so I must be getting taller.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #22: zero kelvin

2009-05-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

I read that at zero kelvin, molecular movement stops, and energy is absent. In my case, I can experience the same effects 5 minutes after a big meal.

Number One Grandson Comments on Drinking, Ear Wax

2009-04-25T09:09:00.001-07:00

Mitch, our Number One Grandson, impatient with how slowly his mother was sipping her libation, delivered these words to drink by: "Drink fast, fall hard, sleep long."

This is the same young man who, as a little boy, commented on the torrid weather by saying, "It's so hot my ear wax is melting."

Neither of those comments show up via a Google search, allowing us to cautiously (Not everything is on Google.) infer that they are original remarks. Does that mean that Number One Grandson can also be called The Originator?

Notes of a Generic Old Man #21: The Ideal Bumper Sticker

2009-04-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

I don’t like bumper stickers, but this is one I’d like to see:

Slogans Aren’t For Everyone

Notes of a Generic Old Man #20: The Feast of All Hypocrites

2009-04-01T14:42:00.000-07:00

Coming soon to a Catholic church near you–the Feast of All Hypocrites!

More commonly known as Easter Sunday, the Feast of All Hypocrites is the day when Roman Catholics fill their churches to overflowing.

Many of the attendees haven’t been in church since the last All Hypocrites’ Day a year earlier. Or the last time they attended Mass was a few months ago at the Assumption of the Blessed Consumer, also known as Christmas.

On All Hypocrites’ Day, standing room only crowds pack the entryway and spill out onto the sidewalk. To provide for these cyclical Catholics, additional chairs are placed in the aisles. Guilt reigns as supplicants try to buy atonement by stuffing collection baskets.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #19: Here’s to Your Health

2009-03-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

You know you're really doing okay until you see a hospital bed show up in your living room.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #18: Stuff

2009-03-08T14:09:00.000-07:00

This is a corollary to Note #17.
Advice to old people: If you want to get rid of some of that stuff you've got lying around and don't feel like cleaning house, give that stuff to your kids and grandkids. Let them take care of it.
This is what's known as housecleaning by proxy.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #17: Stuff

2009-03-08T14:03:00.001-07:00

Advice to grown children: As your parents grow older, stop giving them stuff, because someday you're going to have to go into their house and clean out all that stuff.

Notes of a Notes of a Generic Old Man #16: That Old-time Epilepsy

2009-03-05T14:51:00.000-08:00

Years ago Indiana residents with epilepsy could be kept in an institution in that state's Henry County. The institution closed some time ago, but a blurb about it appeared on the county's Web site. On the site's first page are "A Few Facts About Henry County." Here's one of those facts:

"In regards to the State Hospital / Village for the Epileptic. The original registration log for all clients who lived at the village from the first admission to the last discharge is now located at the State Archives in Indianapolis. This log lists who the residents / patients were and why they were admitted. The most common cause of epilepsy at the first admissions was from eating too many green apples, working in the sun too hard or playing with one's self in an inappropriate manner [The person who posted the item added: '(I am not kidding that is what the admission log states)']."

"Other common causes for epilepsy were thought to be teething, head injuries, and inherited family traits. Discharge notations were also made. It was common for the discharge to state 'July client last seen in Dec. He ran away.'"

You can see more about Henry County at http://www.countyhistory.com/henry/start.html

Notes of a Generic Old Man #15: Updated Adage re Bird

2009-03-05T13:41:00.000-08:00

An old saying rendered factually correct:

A bird in the hand makes the fingers all goopy.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #14: Multitasking

2009-03-05T10:13:00.000-08:00

To some people multitasking is watching television and sipping a cold beer at the same time.

Time: A Poem

2009-03-04T10:47:00.000-08:00

Ah, Time

What is time
But a continuum of
Decades and years and
Months and weeks and
Days and hours and
Minutes and seconds,
All of which are relative to
One another?

A lot depends on
How time is spent.
An hour spent laughing
Seems to have gone by all too fast,
But five minutes' worth of drudgery
Can seem to last an eternity.

And a person can recall years--
Entire masses of months--
That seem to have gone by
In the blink of a second,
But some days take forever to get
From sunrise to sunset.

And as time goes by
It seems to go by
Faster and faster.
Thus the birth of a child decades ago
Is still fresh in the memory
And a conversation ten years ago
Seems to have taken place only yesterday.

So if someone says,
When you're sixty
You can go at any minute,
Does that mean
When you're seventy
You can go at any second?

To which can be added this alimentary corollary:
If you make it to eighty
You'll be happy to go at all!

Notes of a Generic Old Man #13: Tunnel Vision?

2009-03-04T10:21:00.000-08:00

There's a fine difference between being focused and having tunnel vision.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #12: The Martini

2009-03-04T10:11:00.000-08:00

An olive tastes best after being marinated for 15 minutes in 3 ounces of gin.
That is a fringe benefit of the martini.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #11: Optimism

2009-03-04T10:04:00.001-08:00

If the day is cloudy or your mood sad, remember this: The sun is always out. Sometimes we just don't see it.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #10: King George the Fence Post

2009-03-03T11:31:00.000-08:00

On an older, now defunct blog of mine, I posted the following item about the person who was President of the United States at that time. Here’s the same item, part of my effort to make sure we never forget the man and what he did to this country.

The English had a good idea: Give kings descriptive nicknames. Some of the better known ones were Alfred the Great, Richard Lionheart, and William the Conqueror.

One lesser known honoree was one of England’s worst kings, Ethelred the Unready (978-1016). Ethelred received bad advice from cronies, drained the national treasury, and lost wars.

We could name our leaders that way too. Starting with George the Great, we could go on to Abraham the Honest, Teddy the Hyperactive, Franklin the New Dealer, Harry the Forthright.

As for the current (2008) inmate of the White House?

Let’s take note of his unblemished record of bad decisions, his unmatched ability to do poorly in everything he attempts, and his insouciant attitude–"What, me worry?"–and there’s one appropriate name: King George the Fence Post.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #9: Artificial Intelligence

2009-02-27T08:37:00.000-08:00

Computer programmers have abandoned attempts to put artificial intelligence into computers after noting that an abundance of it already exists in humans.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #8: Bumper Stickers

2009-02-23T11:11:00.000-08:00

Judging from what I see, the number of bumper stickers on a car is inversely proportional to the intelligence of the driver.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #7: Coffee

2009-02-20T08:31:00.000-08:00

Drinking coffee is like making love: It's best done slowly and not while driving.

Notes of a Generic Old Man # 6: The First Rule of Problem-solving

2009-02-14T09:36:00.000-08:00

Never try to solve a problem on Monday.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #5: What to Wear As You Grow Older

2009-02-09T10:17:00.001-08:00

Wear clothes that don't show stains. This is especially important when you get older and start slobbering food all over yourself.

Notes of a Generic Old Man #4: Signs of Aging

2009-01-30T09:42:00.000-08:00

Seen around--

"Over the hill. What hill? I don’t remember any hill!"–On a T-shirt.

"Genuine Antique Person. Been there. Done that. Can’t remember."–On a coffee cup, Copyright Laid Back, 1996.

"Growing old isn’t for sissies."–On a license plate frame.

"At my age, what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work."–On a T-shirt

Notes of a Generic Old Man #1: Past Eighty

2009-01-25T11:31:00.000-08:00

I have an eighty-seven-year-old friend who says that once you get past eighty you can say whatever you want because nobody pays attention.

Wait a minute!

If nobody pays attention to what you say goes with being past eighty, then I've been past eighty all my life.