Falls: A Beginner’s Guide

I am here to report on research regarding falls.  You won’t read about this research anywhere else.  It is research that I alone performed.  My methods consisted of casual observations of my own falls.  My methods were not painstaking.  Neither were they painful.  None of my falls caused any kind of injury to any part of my body.   Neither was my pride damaged in a fall.  A long marriage has enucleated my fragile male ego and masculine pride.

There are two types of falls—stupid falls and gyro-out falls.

A stupid fall is one that could have been prevented if you’d watch where you put your feet.  My last stupid fall was six to eight years ago.  I was on a ladder changing the bulb in the front entryway light.  When I came down I missed the last step on the ladder.  It was a short fall, during which I landed on my back, spread-eagled atop a small shrub.  What was lacking were savages to smear my face with honey to attract ants that would attack and destroy me.  That didn’t happen.

To understand a gyro-out fall, think of the gyroscopes that spin at high revolutions per minute to stabilize airplane autopilots.  When the spinning stops suddenly, the gyro tumbles, and the airplane would fall down and go boom were it not for human intervention.  Well, inside the human skull is an inner ear contraption that takes the place of that gyro.  That contraption, called a vestibular, can wear out with the decrepitude of old age.  When that happens, the sense of balance goes down the tubes.

To avoid gyro-out falls, the trick is not to move too fast—I can handle that—and avoid abrupt changes of direction—often tough to do.  I admit to about six gyro-out falls.  That’s the way it goes.

It helps to have a recovery plan.  After all, you can’t just lie there indefinitely; sooner or later someone will come along if for no other purpose than to sweep the floor.  And people will want to help you up or go fetch a doctor or do something to disturb you.

The usual response is to angrily say, “Leave me alone!”

I prefer the more dignified, “I have to get back to my table.  I’ve got a drink waiting for me.”

Seriously, and falls should be taken seriously, if you send a search engine around the web looking for “falls elderly,” you can get a ton of information about falls and fall prevention.

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